When someone you care about is grieving, it’s hard to know what to do. You don’t want to say the wrong thing or make it worse, but you also don’t want to disappear and leave them alone. The truth is, there’s no perfect thing to say that’ll fix the pain, and honestly, most people don’t expect you to. What really helps is just showing up in small, quiet ways. A cup of tea, a kind message, a warm meal left on the doorstep — those little gestures can mean more than you realise.
If you’re close to them, offer to help with practical stuff. Grief messes with your head and even simple things like booking appointments or making dinner can feel overwhelming. You could offer to cook, help with housework, or handle phone calls they’re avoiding. These little acts of care make a huge difference in a time when just getting through the day is hard.
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Offer help without making them ask
It’s so common to say, “Let me know if you need anything,” and mean it. But when you’re grieving, you often don’t know what you need — and even if you do, asking can feel like too much. That’s why it helps to offer specific things. Try “Can I bring you some groceries this week?” or “I’ve got Tuesday free — want me to take the kids for a bit?” Being gently direct shows you care and saves them the mental effort of figuring it out.
In the early days after a loss, there’s often a lot to organise too. If they’re planning a funeral, you could gently suggest they speak with experienced funeral directors who know how to guide families through everything from arrangements to paperwork. That kind of support can really lighten the load and make the process less overwhelming for them.
Keep checking in, even when things go quiet
The first week or two after someone passes, people usually gather around with love and support. But as time passes, everyone else goes back to their normal routines — and that’s when grief can hit even harder. Your friend might be putting on a brave face, but still struggling underneath it all.
This is when simple messages mean the most. A quick “Just thinking of you today” or “Want to go for a coffee sometime this week?” can remind them they’re not forgotten. You don’t need to be deep or poetic — just being there matters. Even sending a funny meme or a picture of something that made you think of them can help them feel a bit more normal for a second.
Be patient, even if it feels awkward
Grief is uncomfortable. It’s raw, unpredictable, and often silent. Some days, your friend might want to talk. Other days, they might want space. That’s all okay. You don’t have to fix anything — just be patient and present. Don’t worry about saying the “right” thing. Sitting in silence, showing up with their favourite snack, or just being available to listen if they want to talk — it all counts.
What they really need is someone who doesn’t expect them to be okay right away. Someone who doesn’t disappear once things settle down. If you can be that person, even in small ways, you’re already helping more than you know.
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